The Joy Box

TaDa!!! Introducing...

I've decided to publish the new site even though I'm still not done. It's taking me a long time because I'm doing a ton of editing as I add posts from the blog to the site. BUT, I think it might help me simplify the process if I publish the new site AS IS, and as I publish, delete stuff from the blog. It will be a process to eliminate the blog this way, but at least you all can keep reading if I post anything new, AND you can access older posts by visiting the new site and seeing them in their all-new look. Is this confusing?

Anyway, VOILA! The New Site:

THE JOY BOX WEBSITE

A Safe Place

Well, I haven't gotten the new site completed yet, but it's come a long way, and I hope to introduce you all to it in the very near future.

In the meantime, with Mother's Day around the corner, I wanted to share with you a story about my mom. I am not yet a mother of teens, so I don't feel good about giving any parenting-of-teens advice, but I can share something that MY mom did right when I was in MY teens.

Recently, I was involved in a conversation with a mother of an 18-year-old daughter. The daughter had lost her virginity and was making plans to further her behavior on a prom night celebration in a hotel. The mother was understandably upset and had a wide range of emotions and ideas as to how to deal with the "situation." Here is my response:

My own experience was as a 17-year-old daughter. While my boyfriend and I didn't "go all the way", there were many, many date nights when I felt pressured by him and uncomfortable and that everything was way beyond "right." We talked about the physical aspect of our relationship, and I told him that I thought he was out of bounds sometimes, but it kept happening. I thought I loved him in spite of all this. We were together for 3 years. Everyone thought we would get married, including me.

Anyway, I remember one awful night where he REALLY overstepped his bounds. He did something to me that I was VERY uncomfortable with and that I had told him NOT to do. Looking back now, it really doesn't seem serious, but at that moment, it was the PRINCIPLE of it that was wrong. The fact that he went beyond MY limits, which I had clearly defined - whether he thought they were appropriate or not. I guess I just felt a bit betrayed. I was surprised by his blatant lack of respect for my feelings. I got out of the car immediately, walked inside my house, ran to my room and burst into uncontrollable tears. Remember - I LOVED HIM even though this was going on. Well, my mom came into my room, and I will never forget what she did.

She pulled me onto her lap, she held me, and all she kept saying was, "This is a safe place." She didn't ask questions. I didn't talk. I just couldn't. I didn't want her to know that my boyfriend and I were that physical, and I definitely didn't want my parents to forbid us from being together, etc. That moment is one of my most vivid memories, because in that moment, I realized that my mom really WAS a safe place. That I really COULD tell her anything, and that no matter what, she LOVED ME. Looking back, I'm quite sure she could guess what was going on, but she never asked me about it. And I can't explain why, but that moment gave me the courage to tell my boyfriend that I absolutely WOULD NOT tolerate any more of his self-centered affection. Shortly thereafter, I broke up with him.

My point is, that moment with my mom was key. I think that, whether I realized it or not, I didn't want to have to utilize that "safe place" out of necessity or desperation. I didn't want to have to push my parents to the max. I knew they'd love me no matter what, but I didn't want to have to come to them at some point and break their hearts and make them walk that hard road with me if I ever were to become pregnant or whatever. In that moment with my mom, I realized that the love she had for me was far deeper and more REAL and unbreakable than the love I had for my boyfriend (and he for me).

I know this isn't exactly the same situation your daughter is in, but I just strongly encourage you to just LOVE on your daughter. She might not realize it, but she DESPERATELY needs you right now.

This STILL brings me to tears, 13 years later. I'm rereading my post and bawling my eyes out. I can still feel it as though it just happened. It is STILL touching to me. I honestly cannot think of one other moment in all my years at home with my parents that had as much of an impact on me as that one did. My mom is a huge blessing. I have a lot to live up to.

My mom and I have talked about this moment, but I have never told my mom WHY I was crying. We have talked about how that moment felt supernatural - how it was definitely a Holy-Spirit-led thing. And we have talked about how she was always "there" during my teen years, often just listening without judging. (And I know she did a TON of praying "behind the scenes.")

But after this discussion, I decided to tell my mom more. I sent her an email with the above quote and thanked her profusely for having made such a difference. Had she not done that, who KNOWS how I would have ended up? I probably would have stuck with that boyfriend, married him, and regretted it.

Anyway, I bawled my eyes out while I wrote out the email to my mom. I hope I can be as good with my teen daughters as she was with me. I really did feel like I could tell her anything. And I knew she would ALWAYS be there for me. That was worth SO much during those years.

If you want to read more about my mom, check out these posts:
More Crazy Moms
Making Memories

__________________

NEWSFLASH!!!!

I wanted to inform you all that I am currently working HARD at completing a Joy Box website. I will be transferring all the posts and series that I deem worthy of keeping to the new site, and this blog will be shutting down. I hope to finish this process by the end of this month, but I can't guarantee that. I will post the new URL as soon as I publish the new website.

I like how it's going so far. I think it will be easier to navigate, to find specific articles or certain topics you'd like to read up on, etc. It will have a similar look to the blog. Hopefully, it will have the same "feel."

I am doing this for two reasons:
1) I don't like having to pay to use the Typepad blog service, but I'm not fond of any of the other blog services available. Also, I don't have the ability to design a new blog template for any of the other providers.

2) I am feeling too much pressure to write. I can't write under pressure. So, with this website, it can be looking all nice and pretty and it can be a WEBSITE where people can come for the encouragement I like to provide, without the expectation of something new every week. BUT, if I DO add something new, it will be a wonderfully exciting surprise! And I have every intention of writing more. I just don't like deadlines, at this point in my life.

So, for the remainder of this month, I will not be attempting to complete the Raising Daniels series, nor the J.O.Y. series. I will not be writing. I am DESIGNING. And formatting. And all that time-consuming technical stuff that goes along with transferring the contents of THIS over to THAT.

Sorry for the delay. Please don't abandon me!

Attention Parents!

I read an article this week that goes along really well with the Raising Daniels series. If you're following my series, please take the time to read this article. It's not very long, and I'm sure you'll be blessed by it.

Attention Parents!

A few quotes from the article:

Apparently, this young man was raised in a good family. His mother and father were careful to instruct him and raise him in the ways of God. Yet, as the son prepares to enter independent life, the father makes no assumptions about his strength to withstand dangers and temptations. The attitude that says, “We raised him right, so he’ll do the right thing!” is far from this father’s thoughts. He knows that the lure of life’s pleasures has subtle and hidden dangers. He never misses of one more opportunity to remind his to adhere to the teaching he received.

Some parents hold misguided notions that if they do their parenting “right,” it guarantees their children will turn out “right.”...

In all that the father has to say to his son, he has one primary concern for him. The father put it this way, “Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding” (Proverbs 4:7). Wisdom is what our children need...

The father warned his son that many voices will call for his allegiance but he must listen to wisdom...

The book of proverbs offers itself as a source of wisdom (see Proverbs 1:1-2). But wisdom is not merely street smarts or shrewdness based on self interest. We know this because, “...the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding” (Proverbs 2:6). Since “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 9:10), wisdom cannot be attained where God is not honored. This emphasis is what distinguishes biblical proverbs from other ancient proverbial literature.

Longing for his son to have wisdom, the father admonishes him to be fully devoted to God. God must not be an afterthought but the main thought if wisdom is to be found and treasured. The father uses five verbs in Proverbs chapter three to describe a proper relationship with God. Trust in the Lord with all your heart (v.5); acknowledge Him in all your ways (v.6); fear the Lord (v.7); honor the Lord (v.9) and do not despise the Lord’s discipline (v.11). These are action points for walking with God. They describe relationship not religion. They are also essential to the life of wisdom because the fear of the Lord is the ongoing prerequisite to a life of wisdom...

Remember also that in Jesus “...are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge” (Colossians 2:3).

The article ends with links to three related audio sermons, suggestions for further study on wisdom, and verses for further reflection. I have not listened to the audio, but I did so enjoy this article specifically.

Raising Daniels - Part Five: Humility & Care for Others

When the Lord revealed the interpretation of King Nebuchadnezzar's dream to Daniel, Daniel praised God. His prayer of praise is beautiful and powerful. (Daniel 2: 20-23) Daniel was also a humble young man. Through his praise, we can see that he really did give God all the glory for what God had revealed to him. He credits GOD for the wisdom he possessed.

All throughout the book of Daniel, his humility seems so clear to me. He lives each day with one goal in mind, to love and serve his God, whatever that may require.

Humility has gotten a bit of a bad rap. It's easy for us to envision humility as TIMIDITY. The two are not the same. Not even close. And FALSE humility is just plain ugly. I won't even begin to teach or talk about true humility, because I am NOT an expert in this area. In fact, this is one of the major areas I've been asking the Lord to change me.

But I wanted to point out that, even though Daniel was such a humble man, he really was "lifted up." He was favored by God and the king. Nebuchadnezzar was so impressed with Daniel. Daniel didn't have to show off, strut his stuff, or PROVE himself in any way. He was FAR from arrogant. He wasn't trying to "sell" anything. Not even his faith. It doesn't appear as though he was on a mission to convert the entire court of Babylon. He just walked humbly in obedience to God, moment by moment. All he did was live in the way that he knew was RIGHT. God's Word tells us that He gives grace to the humble. It says, "Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up." This was certainly the case in Daniel's life.

I find it so neat that, when Nebuchadnezzar promoted Daniel to be ruler of Babylon and chief prefect over all the Babylonian wise men, Daniel asked that his three faithful comrades, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, be placed in positions of leadership with him. To me, that's another expression of humility, in a way. He wasn't thinking of himself. He wasn't so overcome with pride at his promotion that he forgot about his friends. He didn't get a "big head." He really thought of his friends in spite of himself. It would have been easy for him to forget about them at that point. But he didn't.

I also wonder if it was a realization for him that he NEEDED his friends. He needed the support and the accountability to stay strong in the Lord. Whenever we are granted positions of leadership, or whenever we are "increased" in any way, it comes along with a greater responsibility. The potential for failure becomes more dangerous. The consequences are more far-reaching. I think Daniel had a good sense of his humanness, his weaknesses. He showed wisdom by setting up that circle of support and accountability around himself.

When it comes to raising our children, it's so important to realize that the most effective way to train them in a certain area is to model it. Humility can be modeled. It has to start from inside. It has to be in our own hearts. And again, it's not about striving. The last thing we want to do is put on a good show for our kids. No. It has to be who we are, otherwise, we are being hypocrites. It's not about piety, religiosity, or legalism. We cannot lead our children to a place we've never been - we won't really know how to get there. So, if we want to train our children in humility, we need to first ask the Lord to grow humility in our own hearts. We need to humble ourSELVES before we can expect our children to know how to be humble.

For the record, I will say that your own pride about your children has the potential of instilling pride in them. PLEASE encourage them and commend them for a job well done. PLEASE praise them for spiritual growth you see in their lives or for their displays of godly character or for true and honest effort. But be careful when you're tempted to rant and rave about their accomplishments to your friends. Why are you wanting to tell everyone that your daughter got 100% on her math exam? Is it because it makes you look like a good parent? Why are you wanting to compare your walking and talking toddler to the slower developing child down the street? Does it make you feel better about yourself? Is it to "show off"? Yes, as parents, we are proud of our children. But it is very easy to allow selfish, prideful motives to dictate what we say TO and ABOUT our children. Remember that the only audience that matters is our Father in Heaven. And He's far more impressed by a humble heart than by a star little-league pitcher.

Also, do you unintentionally pressure your children? Is there an atmosphere of competition in your home? Do they feel that they need to perform? Maybe not academically, but maybe in other ways. Are they to put on a good show when you go to church or out for dinner? Why? Who are we trying to impress? Who do we think we are?

Are our homes filled with the fear of the Lord, awe of His wonder and majesty, praise of His greatness, fascination of His creation and His works and His Word? Do we have a sense that without Him, we are nothing? Do we realize that HE is our Source for all things? Are we living our lives as though each day is a gift? Do we acknowledge that every good and perfect gift is from the Father? When we are weak, do we turn to Him first? Do our children know that we depend on our Savior for all things? Do we have an understanding of His grace and the fact that we cannot EARN His love? Oh, these are big questions. Not easy ones. But important. These are things we need to be aware of. These are things we need to INTENTIONALLY be teaching our children.

We must purpose to teach them to care for others, to be faithful friends, to find ways of being a blessing to those around us, to look for opportunities to help them out, to use our position of influence to make a difference in the lives of those we care about - not just horde it for ourselves. We need to be intentional about nurturing humility in our children by being careful that we are not boastful or proud, by avoiding comparing ourselves, our families, our children to others. We must consider others as BETTER than ourselves. And we must be ever-diligent in praising our God and keeping ourselves in perspective. HE is our Enabler. It is HE who gives us all things we need for life and godliness. HE is our Righteousness. HE is our Provider. HE is our Healer. HE grants wisdom and knowledge and talent and everything good. Humility, I believe, is largely about focus. Where is our focus? What are our motives?

Oh, what a big topic this is! I feel I've bitten off more than I can chew. Humility is just such a VAST subject. I feel I've only INTRODUCED all there is to say about this. For the sake of this series, however, I will leave it at that. As I said, I'm not expert, but I did see it as a major point in the story of Daniel. There's more to come!

A Glorifying Lifestyle - Part Two

In the last post, I talked about how the Lord's Prayer has taught me about living a lifestyle that glorifies God.

In this post, I want to talk about church. It surprises me how controversial the topic of church is in Christian circles. There are many extremes, many doctrinal differences, many varying opinions about the purpose of church and what exactly the church is. I'm not going to get into all of it here.

But I do want to say that God has been teaching me for several years that I am a part of His church. The church is PEOPLE. It isn't a building. God's Church consists of those who believe in Jesus Christ. (That's another whole issue, too. What exactly does it mean to be a true believer? Also a subject I will not get into here.)

I have never considered myself a "Sunday Christian." You know that term? People use it to refer to "nominal" Christians, or people who go to a church building on Sunday, but the rest of the week, it's like God isn't even a part of their vocabulary. So, that hasn't been me. And I don't say that out of pride. Because, while I've generally lived the same on Sundays as I do every other day of the week, I am realizing that I've STILL been "missing it". I've still missed the whole idea. I've still forgotten what "church" or what the "Christian life" is all about.

I have made it my mission to live each day as though I am "in church." As I talked about in the last post, worship needs to be a lifestyle. So I want to INTENTIONALLY worship the Lord EVERY SINGLE DAY, as often as I can think of it, and in as many ways as are humanly possible. Worship is so much more than music. It's so much more than a praise team and PowerPoint. I worship while I fold laundry, while I homeschool my children, while I wash dishes, while I give Lee a neck massage. Worship is a lifestyle. And so is "church." Because WE are "the church."

Why is it that we compartmentalize our lives? Why do we have church activities and school activities and social activities and work activities? All of those "life departments" should fit under one umbrella - "to the glory of God." Being a "Christian" isn't something that we can shut on and shut off. There is no switch. Either we are believers who are living life with the intention and purpose of glorifying God, or we're not. Sure, we'll make mistakes. But that's exactly why it's so important that we make it a LIFESTYLE, and not just something we do from 9:00-11:00 on Sunday morning.

A term that bothers me is "full-time ministry." So often when we ask someone what their job or career is, they'll say, "I'm in full-time ministry." It means that they are pastors or paid worship leaders, or some sort of job in the church organization - as opposed to a carpenter or a librarian or a teacher or a business owner. I have to tell you that I have SEEN and EXPERIENCED the fact that it is possible to be in "full-time ministry" even while working in retail. My parents have done it. They have owned a business for most of my years, and they truly have had a huge impact on people's lives - in the ministry sense. They have had opportunities to pray for customers. They have had opportunities to listen, to teach, to give, to serve, to bless, to glorify God in the most unique and God-orchestrated ways. They have been able to make a difference in lives, for the glory of God, in ways that would not have been possible in a church building.

As children of God, we are CALLED to be full-time ministers - whether that means we minister to our families as full-time mothers, or whether we minister to co-workers, or to the doctor at our next physical check-up, or at the hair salon, or WHATEVER. Wherever we are, we can be "in ministry."

I also believe that it is the "church's" responsibility to reach out to the lost and to disciple new believers. Don't wait around for a committee to start or for a specific Bible Study program to begin. Make a point of living life in such a way that we're not isolated in our own comfortable circle. I reach out to neighbors. I am friendly when I'm out in public. I look for opportunities to develop friendships and relationships with others. Lee and I have friends over. We FELLOWSHIP. Fellowship is a HUGE part of church. It's a main ingredient. And you don't have to wait for Sunday morning for it happen. It can happen right now, in your home, today. It can happen at the grocery store. Talk to fellow believers about what the Lord is doing in your life. Share His love. Share His Word. Share His works! Pray together. Pray with your kids. Sing praises to the Lord with your kids. Write letters to distant friends and relatives. And be available. Be a willing prayer warrior. Be a mentor to those who are younger or not quite as mature in their faith. It has to be a lifestyle thing. You have to be approachable, and that doesn't just happen by making an announcement in your church bulletin. It has to be a part of the way you live.

Have communion. No. I'm not talking about a podium with crackers and grape juice. I'm talking about COMMUNING with others and the Lord. Eat with people. Have guests into your home. Host a potluck. Organize a church potluck. Just BE together. Have a good time. Build relationships. And glorify the Lord.

The Bible tells us that the world will know we are Christians by our love. When is the last time you walked into a church and could really tell that the people there loved each other? Maybe you have, but I have to say that in North America today, this is the exception and not the rule. When others look at you and your lifestyle, do they see love in action? Maybe they do. And if so, that's wonderful. Keep it up. If not, well, it's something to work towards.

Another thing that is evident when we look at the early church in Scripture is giving. I'm not talking about monetary giving here. Not primarily. I'm not talking about tithing. Their lives were characterized by giving. They gave of their time. They gave of their resources. If a "brother" was in need, they gave. Not only physical giving either. They gave of themSELVES. They looked out for each other. They cared for each other. This takes time. It takes a great deal of effort and energy. But, it glorifies our Father. It's the way He wants things to work, and it's the way things work best. Do you have a generous heart? It's so difficult sometimes to give of our time, to open our home, to put ourselves in a place of discomfort, or dis-ease, or to just step out of our safe me-box and meet someone else's need. Or even to simply give them a word of encouragement. But if we desire to live a life that reflects the life of Christ, we must become servants.

I have been blessed to grow up in a home that lived "church" every day. I have memories of my mom counseling friends over the phone, writing encouraging notes in pretty cards and mailing them or dropping them off at the door with a loaf of fresh bread or a pot of soup. I have memories of couples stopping by, unannounced, on a weekday evening, and my mom being prepared with a pot of coffee and some squares in the freezer, and the evening ending with my parents wrapping their arms around this couple and praying for them. I recall a time when my parents anonymously helped out a business owner in our church financially. I remember Sunday afternoons being about socializing. We'd have a big roast beef or chicken dinner and another whole family would come over for a whole day. I remember potlucks - both as church events and just friends and families. I remember my parents being involved in "work bees" - helping others with home improvements or yard work - just for the sake of being together, showing love, serving, fellowship, etc. I remember my mom bringing the tradesmen who were building our house pitchers of homemade iced tea. I remember my mom praying for women in the middle of the grocery store aisle. I have heard stories of my mom having a total stranger pour their heart out to my parents at work or elsewhere. On their last vacation, both my mom and my dad gave of their time to volunteer at a ministry to homeless children.

This is church, folks. And don't think it's unrealistic. Don't think it's impossible. It's not. The whole point is that it SHOULD be natural. It should be just the way we live. It should be our LIFESTYLE. We should consider ourselves "in full-time ministry."

I hope this post isn't condemning. I hope I haven't heaped guilt on anyone. These are not easy things to think about. But necessary, just the same. It's not easy for me to give up my free evenings or to consciously make an effort to reach out to others. It's a lot easier to go to church every Sunday and do nothing else beyond that and to think I'm doing enough. But, I know that, deep down inside, I'm being cowardly and selfish. I like being invisible from most of the people around me. I like the safety in that. There's less accountability. It takes much less time and resources.

This is a long post, but if you've read all of it, please be encouraged. I pray that I have encouraged you somehow to see that your entire life really CAN be ministry. It can be "church." You CAN glorify God without getting a degree in "Biblical Studies". You glorify God by loving. Love people. Receive God's love and then give God's love. "Freely you have received. Freely give."

Not a popular message, but truth, nonetheless. And walking in truth really does set us free. I've experienced it.

A Glorifying Lifestyle - Part One

Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus... (Colossians 3:17)

Whether, then, you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31)

Life is about Him. Every single aspect of my life is about Jesus Christ. Whether I realize it or not, whether I LIKE it or not, it's the truth. Life is not about me. Period. I have to admit to you all that, in spite of the pain that I have gone through to learn this (and I'm STILL learning it, by the way), I have LOVED this realization. It truly brings a freedom that just cannot be imagined or fathomed with the human mind. It just has to be experienced.

I won't go into a big speech about the hows and whys and what ifs involving this truth. I could go on forever about that. But I just wanted to mention a few of the things I've been learning recently that TIE IN to the whole principle.

First of all, I've been studying the Lord's Prayer. (It can be found in Matthew 6:9-13.) I've been realizing that, when Jesus told His disciples to "pray, then, in this way," He was not only giving them a sort of "template" for prayer, but a picture of the kind of LIFE we should be living. The more I study the Lord's Prayer, the more I realize that every part of my life should reflect the issues and ideas that are covered in this passage of Scripture. My lifestyle should mirror the Lord's Prayer.

The prayer starts with worship. Obviously, we are called to a LIFESTYLE of worshipping our Creator, our Father. The very thought of calling Him "Father" symbolizes another aspect of our lives - that we are the children of the Most High God. THINK ABOUT THAT!!! Too often we allow ourselves to get stuck in a cycle of defeat or to just THINK thoughts that do not belong in the mind of a child of the King of Kings. The more we know our Father, the more we will worship Him, and the more we will "walk worthy of the calling to which we've been called." This, in turn, will glorify our Father. Which brings us back to the whole point of our lives.

Then, we move to submission. Ha! Dare I go there again? I talked about submission in the last post. But this is an entire lifestyle, a state of the heart, soul and mind. It is a calling. It is a huge part of our relationship with our Lord. He is sovereign. All things are by Him and for Him. All things. His will is ALWAYS the best. Even when it doesn't make sense to us. Yikes. No one said a life of surrender, a life of glorifying God would be easy. It sure isn't. But it sure is WORTH IT! It's gotta be a lifestyle. It can't be just a line that we say whenever we pray. Our lives have to REFLECT an ATTITUDE of submission to the omnipotence of God.

We petition God. We MUST place our trust in HIM for all our needs. Did you know that worry is actually a sin? It reveals a heart that is not trusting in God. It reveals a major lack of faith. Jesus COMMANDED us not to worry. "Without faith, it is impossible to please God." Dare I say that without faith it is impossible to GLORIFY God? We cannot live a lifestyle that reflects the glory of God when we are governed by fear. We must learn to trust Him. We must get to know Him so well that we have every confidence that we can pass off all our cares onto Him and that He really WILL take care of them ALL!

Confession and Repentance MUST be a lifestyle. It's not something that we do only once. It's not a one-time, get-to-heaven thing. Our hearts must be humble. Our hearts must be pure before the Lord. We must realize that, on our own, we are powerless and sinful. Without the power of God in our lives, we simply cannot live a life of victory over sin and we cannot glorify Him. Confessing our sin and having repentant hearts are a part of the deliverance process.

Forgiveness. Our lives must be filled with forgiveness. When we confess our sins, God forgives us. This brings freedom. And it glorifies Him. But, we are also required to forgive those who sin against us. Again, I will remind you that God never promised that living in obedience to Him would be easy. Forgiving someone who has hurt you isn't easy. And you know? You can't do it. Not without the power of Christ working in your heart. But it's necessary. It must be a LIFESTYLE choice.

We also look to the Lord for deliverance. Our lives should display the glory of God by our freedom. Being bound by sin, by temptation, by legalism, by all sorts of things that suppress His glory is too common. Why don't we seek His deliverance? Why do we allow ourselves to "cope" or to get comfortable in our bondage? Jesus came to SET US FREE. He came that we could have ABUNDANT life - a life that GLORIFIES the Father. Living in bondage does NOT glorify the Almighty.

The Lord's Prayer closes with worship and praise again. And so we are reminded of the importance and the effectiveness of living a LIFESTYLE of worship. Does your day begin and end with worshipping the Lord? Or do you wake up with dread of the duties you are required to perform and with a complaining heart? Do you go to bed at night ranting and raving about all the injustice in your world? Do we have HEARTS of worship? Do our lives reflect hearts of worship?

Does my entire lifestyle glorify the Lord? It's just not good enough to glorify Him on Sunday morning when I lead worship in the church. It's just not good enough to say, "Praise God" when someone tells me of a miracle. Glorifying God isn't going to happen by little individual actions I do throughout my day or my week. It has to flow from inside, from my heart, and it has to become a lifestyle. It has to be something that people recognize in me no matter what day of the week or WHERE they talk to me. If I am to leave a legacy behind on this earth, may it be that I lived a life that glorified my Lord.

Submission vs. Control

What is the difference between submission to my husband and letting him control me? Does submission mean I have to outwardly agree with everything he says and does, even if I disagree in my heart? Does submission mean I have to do everything he says? Does submission mean I wear clothes I think are ugly just because he likes them? Does submission mean I'm not allowed to share my opinion?

I learned recently that the actual Hebrew translation for the word "wife" (Ezer Kenegedo) in Genesis is not necessarily "help meet", as most of us have been taught. It is actually:

Ezer: help
Neged: against, contradicting

So, the way the two put together are translated is more accurately "counter balance." We are to help our husbands. We are to be their helpers, yes. But, we are also to balance them. It doesn't mean that we are to die to our own personalities and become our husband's shadow. We retain our own uniqueness. Where I am weak, Lee is often strong. Where I am strong, Lee is often weak. And I can "balance" his weaknesses without failing at the whole submission thing.

It's a tricky subject, I know. And, right off the bat, I will say that I don't have all the answers and I don't have it all figured out. I am not a perfect wife.

I think that it's easy for us as wives who are trying to do the best we can do, to be the godly, Proverbs 31 woman, to forget that WE are not responsible for our husband's heart or his reactions. We are responsible for our own hearts. We have to do what is right in our OWN relationship with God. And yes, that involves being a godly wife, but, at the same time... in our efforts to do this, we lose sight of what really matters, and we unintentionally are manipulating and trying to control. Saying that you like a dress that you actually hate is not only dishonest, but it's also a way of trying to control your husband. It's fear of conflict. There is actually nothing WRONG with conflict. It's the way you DEAL with conflict that matters. And being dishonest can't be God's intention for a godly wife.

I don't know if this is making sense. I used to be really... timid. I hate conflict. I FEAR it. I can't stand the idea of having to disagree with my husband. But, the Lord has been teaching me how to do so in a respectful and SUBMISSIVE manner.

There was a time, several years ago, when I was on the verge of panic due to a situation we were dealing with. And it really seemed to me like Lee wasn't dealing with it properly, or that he didn't even realize what a big problem it was. I didn't want to say anything to him, because I didn't want him to think I was blaming him, etc. I didn't want to come across as "holier-than-thou." I prayed and prayed and prayed about it. And it actually came to a point where it was affecting my health (the fear). Finally, I really felt the Lord telling me I had to talk to Lee. NOT try to CONVINCE him of anything. Not BLAME him. Not point fingers or "teach him a lesson." I basically ended up saying something like this, "Lee, I have to tell you that I am really struggling here. I'm WORRIED. I see such-and-such happening, and it makes me think blah-blah-blah. I try to work it out THIS way. And I've tried to resolve it THIS way. But it's STILL a problem. I feel like we're not getting anywhere. What do you think we could do?" I put it in HIS hands. I brought the problem to him, respectfully, looking to him as the head of the household, yet being honest about my feelings. He didn't get defensive. He was thrilled that I asked him for help with something.

How does it honor a man when we agree with everything they say - even if we think they're dead wrong? How does it help a man to agree with him and just let him control every aspect of life? It doesn't. "Iron sharpens iron."

Remember what I said above - about being a BALANCE?

Think about this.... Proverbs 31 tells us that this woman's husband had a good reputation ("known in the gates of the city"). First of all, it helps to understand what this meant. During that period in history, the oldest man in a home lived with his wife in the centre of a sort of commune. His sons lived around the oldest man's home. And their sons lived around them, etc. Those in the family who were the elders would go to the gates of the city. This usually happened during the really hot hours of the day when they couldn't work. There were rooms in the wall around the city by the gates. This is where the elders would all meet and decisions would be made and all matters pertaining to the Law would be discussed and settled. The reputation of these men, obviously, was important. It gave a man credibility.

So, if the Proverbs woman's husband had a good reputation in the gates, I tend to believe that

a) it meant that there never had to be an instance where she was brought before the council and they had to make a decision about her behavior. She would have been modest, hard-working, etc. She would have kept the Law. Now, does that mean that we have to keep the Law? Are we to become bound in a legalistic way of living so we don't make any mistakes? No. It means that we will see our role as wife and mother as a way of honoring our husbands and guarding their reputation.

When your husband has a guest in your home, you will do your best to make his visit a wonderful one. You will make your home inviting and peaceful. You will do what you can to show what a good provider your husband is by serving a nice meal, by being happy and showing that you are content, etc. Really, more than anything, your contentment as a wife and mother is the BIGGEST thing you can do to honor your man. If you do everything else, but don't have the contentment and the joy showing in your countenance, you've lost.

b) wearing a dress that your husband likes but that you think is ugly will not honor him, nor guard his reputation. Often, men don't have a clue what really looks good on women. It might look fabulous on a rack, but on MY body? No way! Wear what looks good on YOU, and what YOU feel confident in. Having a wife walking around, ashamed of her clothing, and insecure, does NOT honor a man. A man is honored and respected when his wife walks with dignity, courage, and confidence. Beauty comes from within. If you're fearful, unsure of yourself, uncomfortable, secretly resentful of having to wear something, etc. it will come from inside you and show on the outside. Even if people don't realize what they're seeing, it's not attractive.

Now, that said, I wear clothes that Lee AND I like. I won't wear clothes that only he likes, but I also don't wear clothes that only I like. I pick out clothes that I like, and then I ask him which ones HE likes out of my selections.

When you live your life with the intention of honoring your husband in the ways I mentioned above, realizing that you are accountable to GOD FIRST, your husband will eventually realize that, even when you disagree with him, you have his best interests in mind. It has taken me a long time, but I now disagree with Lee regularly. He doesn't mind at all. He actually likes it. It challenges him, it makes him better. I don't disrespect him. I regard him VERY highly, and he knows it. He knows I would do almost anything for him. He knows I love him to pieces. He also knows that there are some areas and subjects that I know more about than he does, and that, if I see him making a foolish decision, I will feel RESPONSIBLE to point out what I know, in a humble manner. He also knows that he has the last word. If, after much prayer, and my humble opinion, he still makes what I deem the "wrong" decision, it's on his head. I have to submit to God. I have to trust GOD to deal with my husband.

And it has happened. There HAVE been situations where I have actually had to sit back and watch it all fall apart. But you know what? Our marriage stayed in tact. It stayed strong. It THRIVED. And, because Lee KNEW that I had respected his decision, in spite of my disagreement, he was willing to admit his mistake. He THANKED me for allowing him to make the mistake. He learned a lesson. And, he took my opinions more seriously after that. It is to the point now where we make decisions TOGETHER. I do not take charge, but Lee has just come to a point of valuing my input as much as his own thoughts and feelings. We BALANCE each other.

When we become so caught up in trying to be perfect and say everything perfectly and control our husbands through our "submission", we've missed the point. We are not responsible for our husbands' hearts and behaviors. We must pray for them. A lot. But we must LEAVE THEM IN GOD'S HANDS, trusting God's Spirit - HIS power - to change their hearts, to guide them, etc. WE HAVE NO POWER TO CHANGE OUR HUSBANDS. Only God does.

What it boils down to is that you are accountable to God FIRST. Your life, your purpose, is to glorify GOD. The whole reason you are the wife of your husband is to glorify God. You are walking in obedience to God. Becoming a timid, fearful, insecure wife is not glorifying to God. Ever. Trust your husband in GOD'S hands. Trust yourself in GOD'S hands, and under the headship of your husband.

It's a heart issue more than anything. Submission is an ATTITUDE. It is a state of your heart. It is not the dress you wear or the opinion you hold on matters of politics or what color of car you should buy or which homeschool curriculum you use, etc. It is loving your husband. Loving him. Not fearing him. Loving him.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. I really, really hope you can hear my heart here. I've been where you are. It's hard. It's tiring. It's not peace. It's not natural. It's not the way things are supposed to work. I've learned and grown. I still haven't figured it all out. What I've posted above doesn't even begin to fully explain the issue of submission or how to be a godly wife. I've scratched the surface, and I'm not even convinced I've explained THAT adequately. But maybe what I've learned SO FAR can help you out a bit or encourage you in some way.

To Tide You Over

I've decided to post an old post because I'm just not ready with new material yet. This one is quick and was originally posted in January 2007 as "The Honesty of Children." It still makes me laugh.

My in-laws had taken the children swimming. They all had a mah-velous time. On the way out of the pool, Nanny (this is what our children call Lee's mom) was mentioning how their skin was becoming shriveled from being in the water so long. She said, "It's a good thing we're getting out NOW before we turn into raisins!" And my dear, sweet Gabrielle says, "Well, Nanny. You don't have to worry about that, do you? You're ALREADY a raisin!" How kind. Just what a menopausal woman needs to hear.

A Link to Look At

I feel bad that my posting has been so sporatic lately. Especially because I'm in the middle of two series, both of which I started with such enthusiasm. Please don't give up on me! I will continue them. I've got a lot going on right now - we've got two family birthdays within a week, plus Easter coming up, selling some homeschool stuff, purchasing some homeschool stuff, and just all the regular daily stuff seems to be taking WAY longer these days. I just don't know when to take the time to blog!

In the meantime, while you all PATIENTLY await my faithful return, I don't know if I've ever shared Laine's Letters with you, but I strongly encourage you to subscribe to her email newsletter. Every one I've ever received has encouraged me TREMENDOUSLY. Please take some time over the next while to take a look at her archives and be encouraged, too.